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Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Babe Plus A Babe, Part One (Postpartum)

.... or, When Pregnancy Ends and Holy Crap! You Have Two Under Two

1. If you have your baby in a hospital, be prepared for the nurses from last year to make a bunch of comments about how busy you are going to be. Try to ignore the urge to slap them.

2. If you have your baby in a hospital, realize that the babe at home will not give a crap that you are gone. Well, maybe if your older baby is nursing. If not, try not to feel like a total dirtsack when you get home and Grandma tells you cheerfully, "The baby was fine, but boy, the dog sure did miss you!"
2a. Try to have your baby in a hospital, or, if you prefer a cozier (and probably safer) approach, in a hotel room. Any place where your food will be brought to you on demand, in a somewhat cooked fashion, will do.

3.The first day home, everything will go fine. Seriously. It will be totally fine and you will think to yourself, gee, this isn't so bad. I was all worried for nothing. Day two might be like that too, and day three and four. Sometime in the first week, all hell will break loose. Sorry.

4. If you didn't have it done before the new babe was born, go have your car seats checked now. It's hard enough to put one in correctly; two is just a lesson in hilarity, except your child's life depends on it, so yeah. Not so funny when you think about it.

5. Be prepared for the day when all your help leaves. I suggest that you have on hand Captain Morgan's or Valium a prescription for antidepressants and the number of a good therapist. Even if you don't use them, often just knowing you have them is enough to get you through.

6. At some point, you have to figure out how to rock both babies at once. This is way harder than it seems, because the little baby can't move and the big baby will try to use their new sibling as a springboard. I have no suggestions, because to be honest I'm still trying to figure this one out.

7. There will be days when all three of you are crying and your older children are trying to figure out how to make grilled cheese using nothing but Eggos, the toaster, and cheez-whiz, and the dog is whining because all he's eaten in three days are some dried up Gerber Graduates that fell on the floor, and undoubtedly the mailman will knock on the door with certified mail right about this time. Oh yeah and you aren't wearing any pants. I can guarantee you that on days like this, your husband (or partner or whatever we're calling them these days) will get all "romantic" on you when he gets home from work. I use the term romantic lightly; really what it means is, he just realized that you don't have a big belly anymore and he'll want to do things that you would rather let him do by himself. If you give in, be prepared to spend the whole time thinking this is what got me in this mess in the first place!

8. Sleep? Psh. Sleep is for babies (just not yours.)

9. If you don't have digital cable or a satellite dish, get yourself a copy of TV Guide. Its hard enough to be up all night with two wailing babies, please don't try to channel surf at the same time. Around 8pm, if you're still awake, go through your guide and figure out what's on at any given hour. That way when you wake up with Kid A, you can watch Conan, and two hours later, when Kid B starts hollering, you can watch Good Eats. (Refrain from news or politics though, or you'll never get back to sleep.)

10. At some point, probably in the first month, you will get pretty good at juggling all of this, and an insidious thought will begin stealing into your brain: maybe we should have another one. If I can handle this, I can handle anything. Woman, get thee to a psychotherapist. I have no advice or suggestions other than talk therapy, because I myself am having this scary thought, and I can't decide if I'm crazy or stupid. I sure as hell can't work it out for you, too, but let me know how that goes okay?


Baby Bunching said...

Love love love this......I think I posted this already. But maybe I'm losing my mind, we're highlighting it tomorrow at

Jess said...


I'm here from Baby Bunching and this is HILARIOUSLY TRUE. Or at least most of it!

My kids are 6 1/2 months apart (yes, that isn't possible, I is adopted, one if IVF) and when I came home from the hospital with our son I was like..."OH MY GOSH WHAT DO I DO THE OTHER CAN'T EVEN WALK AND IS OVER MY LIFTING LIMIT! OHMYGOSH!" But it gets so much better and easier as they get to doing things like eating things themselves and playing together! They're now 11 mo and 18 mo and it's not so bad.

For MONTHS I've been hinting at the next baby. Come on hun, let's have another! Or...more sarcastically "When we have the twins"....which, being infertile is not likely, but then again, what happened here is not likely either! It's only FUNNY till it HAPPENS though! ha!

Honestly, though, I'm with you...if we can handle this...I mean, what? Two more people? It's just more people, it can't be more CHAOS!

Anonymous said...

I relate to all of these! Awesome post!

Jen said...

I love it!!! Thanks super ninja mommy!!

Jenni said...

If I weren't due with my second in less than three weeks, I'd be laughing my ass off. Instead, I'm crying uncontrolably.