Things I Can't Believe I Actually Said

"Who drew on the dog?"

"Why is there yogurt in my underwear drawer?"

"You put glitter glue... where?"

"Dog food is not a snack!"

"We don't touch poop!"

"If you wipe snot on my shoulder one more time.."

"Can I ask why you put Easy Cheez in the cat food dish?"

"Honey, owls don't eat people."

"Let's try to put our puke in the toilet next time, not the toothbrush drawer."

"You are so not getting a cell phone for Christmas."

"Nice girls don't show people their butts."

"I don't care if there is milk in it, ice cream is not a breakfast food."

"Hi Lisa." (While petting a caterpillar.)