THIS is the worst christmas song ever. Hands down.

A couple people have blogged about crappy Christmas songs. Well, actually, I bet thousands of people have blogged about crappy Christmas songs, but I only read a couple. Anyway, they all had legitimate crappy songs, but they left out the most crappiest song of them all:

Do You Hear What I Hear.

I know, you're not supposed to hate the religious songs, right? You're supposed to be all weepy and full of "the spirit," and I don't mean Jack Daniels, kiddies. It's like against some kind of Christ Code if you prefer Jingle Bell Rock to Silent Night.

However.

I think even Jesus himself would have a problem with Do You Hear What I Hear, and this is why.

Shitty verse 1

Said the night wind to the little lamb
Do you see what I see
Way up in the sky little lamb
Do you see what I see
A star, a star
Dancing in the night
With a tail as big as a kite
With a tail as big as a kite

Hey, night wind? News flash. Kites aren't that big. Kites are kind of small, really, especially when they're way up in the sky. And also, stars are huge. To compare a star's tail to a kite is a complete insult to stars everywhere.


Shitty verse 2
Said the little lamb to the shepherd boy
Do you hear what I hear
Ringing through the sky shepherd boy
Do you hear what I hear
A song, a song
High above the tree
With a voice as big as the sea
With a voice as big as the sea


I'm thinking the shepherd boy got into the eggnog a little early this year, because lambs don't talk. I know this, because it says right in the Bible, I think in the Book of People Are Smarter Than Animals: "The lamb didn't say shit, because lambs don't talk."


Shitty verse 3
Said the shepherd boy to the mighty king
Do you know what I know
In your palace wall mighty king
Do you know what I know
A child, a child
Shivers in the cold
Let us bring him silver and gold
Let us bring him silver and gold

This is the part that totally pisses me off. A child shivers in the cold, let's give him some silver and gold. No, how about a friggen blanket? If you saw a kid outside freezing, and it wasn't Jesus, you would give him a coat or a blanket and maybe a sandwich, right? But if it was Jesus, you would give him some gold? "What the fuck is this? You want me to freeze till I'm grown enough to spend this on a fucking coat!?" That's what Baby Jesus would say, if Baby Jesus was me, which, good news for all of you, He is not.

Shitty verse 4
Said the king to the people everywhere
Listen to what I say
Pray for peace people everywhere
Listen to what I say
The child, the child
Sleeping in the night
He will bring us goodness and light
He will bring us goodness and light
The child, the child
Sleeping in the night
He will bring us goodness and light

I can't even comment on this. I'm still pissed about the freezing baby, and the assholes who want to give him gold. Gold, for Christ's sake. Assholes.