This 'sex icon of a generation' stuff is harder than it looks.

You've probably heard all the rumours about me. They're circulating all over the internet - Ninja Mom is at least twice as hot as Angelina Jolie, Ninja Mom's an unbelievably gorgeous sex goddess, Ninja Mom has a secret dominatrix side to her personality, Ninja Mom one time drank too much tequila and ran around outside naked except for a cowboy hat.


Well, I have to dispel the myths, folks. It's not fair to lead everyone on like this.


Three out of four ain't true.

From recent occurrences though, one might be led to believe that not only am I very desirable, I am also single, which, happily, I am not. (Single, I mean. I'm happily not single, not not desirable.) It's just the weirdest thing though, and since I can't tell The Hub for fear of a major jealous man-trum, I figured I would tell all of you. You are so lucky.


So, a few weeks ago I get an email from a person that I might have maybe been completely in love with, years ago. This person might also have cheated on me with numerous women, and spent the rent on call girls, and pushed me down the stairs twice. Oh and also, this person maybe might be a sheriff's deputy these days. Maybe.

Anyway, his email basically said that he was madly in love with me, and he was so sorry that he had done those things to me, and he would love to have a second chance. He said he had seen my picture on my Facebook and he thought I was still just so beautiful and whenever he heard 'Hard Habit to Break' by Chicago, he couldn't help but think of me and how he'd just do anything to make it right.


My first reaction was probably not what he had expected. I laughed.

And then I felt just a little creeped out. I left him in April of 2001, a month after I turned nineteen. That's nearly eight years ago, for the mathematically challenged, and only now is he asking for forgiveness? And also, he found me on Facebook. Great. All you can see of my profile on Facebook is my picture and my name - which happens to have a hyphen and a new last name stuck on the end of it. And seriously - Chicago? Nice try, asswipe.
I deleted the email.


Then, not that much later, another email comes along. From a different guy. A guy who I might have left for The Hub, and who might also be twenty years my senior, and who I might have been happy with if I hadn't met The hub. (I would like to add that I also would have been a whole hell of a lot richer, but really, in all actuality, not nearly as fulfilled as I feel now. And if we had had kids, they would be short ugly little Hollanders. No offense to short ugly Hollanders, of course.)

This was a weird email. It had God and Jesus and stuff in it, and if you know me at all, you know I so don't roll that way. I'm not anti-God or anything, I'm just, well, I don't have time to go into all of that right now, but spirituality and religion play very little role in my life. So anyway, I get this weird email from this guy, telling me that he had a dream and God told him to send me a letter and find me, because then he could live his life as Jesus intended or some bullshit.

That one really creeped me out.

The last incident wasn't even an incident. A person that I loved desperately many, many years ago, like when I was fourteen or something, left me a message. It was a totally innocent message, but I'm a little bit on guard, and rightfully so, I think. I have to admit, it was nice to know that he still thinks of me. If The Hub wasn't such a jealous freak, I would invite that person and his girlfriend or wife or whatever over to play board games.

I don't get why the first two guys send me those emails. It's just so weird and random and well, weird. What would even possess someone to do that sort of thing?

It's probably because I am just so damn good looking.