Resolution.

I don't believe in New Year's Resolutions. A resolution won't really stick unless you're doing it for the right reasons, and ringing in the new year isn't a good enough reason for me.

But today I have made a personal resolution.

I was standing in the bathroom, bemoaning my drab skin and alarmingly thin hair, my flabby thighs and my arms that seem to be missing muscles. I'm all skin and fat and connective tissue, and maybe some bones and organs thrown in, but no muscle. I don't have any definable muscle.

I think I'm losing my hair and have ashy skin and no muscle because I don't eat or move. When I eat, it's crap, and when I move, it's only because I absolutely have to. I've always said I would only run if something was chasing me, and I stick to that. You will not see this fat momma running anywhere, unless something dangerous is behind me or there's a Waffle House in my line of vision.

Up until today, the physical look of my body has never really bothered me. I'm not morbidly obese; I wear a size 14, which isn't even plus size. I've never seen myself as a sensual or sexual person, which might surprise you since i have four children (and nine angels waiting in heaven) but to be honest, it never really occurred to me. I've always been just me, the way I am. I never wanted to look like anyone else, or have a "nicer" body or anything like that. I have pretty good self esteem, and I frickin' deserve it too, after all the shit I put myself through as a teenager. But that's another story altogether (and it's entirely too long and boring to post in public.)

I don't want to change how I look. I would actually rather stay the same, because if I get smaller or larger I will need to shop, and while I enjoy shopping, I'm probably the cheapest person you've ever met. It killed me to buy a swimsuit from Motherwear.com - not because I don't want to be seen in a swimsuit, but because I had a hard time spending the ten dollars it was priced at. A ten dollar swimsuit, regularly more than $60, and I used a coupon. Cheap does not even begin to define me.

I am sick and tired of watching handfuls of hair swirling down the shower drain, of seeing hundreds of tiny wrinkles around my eyes when I smile (although I probably can't change that. Thanks a lot sun, you jackass.) I want to be able to chase my kids around without getting winded. I want to be able to hike again. There's this place I know, this beautiful lake south of here, near Yankee Springs, and it's a good three mile hike to get to it, but I can't go because I get too tired. I want to go there again. I want to go to the Devil's Soupbowl - again, a couple miles hike and not accessible by car, and I haven't been in years because I am lazy.

What have I done to myself?

Well, it doesn't matter now. I can't go back and redo my lifestyle choices. But I can change the future, and that's what I'm going to do. Starting tomorrow, because it's a crazy day here today and tomorrow just works better.

My ultimate goal is to be 100% vegetarian, and exercise at least three times a week. By 100% vegetarian, I mean eating all vegetarian meals.

I can't do that right now. It is unreasonable to expect a person who spends her days in a recliner with a laptop and a cupcake to all of a sudden pick up cardio and whistle merrily while preparing tofu. Tofu is gross and cardio is hard. It will be an adjustment.

Step One: Two vegetarian meals per week and exercise one hour per week. I plan to do this for one month. I will continue to take my Wellbutrin and fish oil. I will take a multivitamin when I remember to. I will remember to take my multivitamin more often than I do now.

Step Two: Four vegetarian meals per week and exercise three hours per week. This should be another month or maybe six weeks. Continue Wellbutrin and fish oil, and take my multivitamin every day, even if it does smell like a nursing home.

Step Three: All meals vegetarian, except pizza. I will eat ham and pineapple pizza for the rest of my life. Exercise daily. Continue all medicines. This is the ultimate goal.

Step Four will take place after The Babe is weaned. This could be in a year or three. I don't know. I'm all for child led weaning so it could be awhile before I can do this. I want to do a complete body cleanse and detox, even if that means getting a colonic. I have this nagging feeling that my sixty extra pounds are all in my gut. Probably I have just seen too many Kevin Trudeau infomercials, but I can't help but think that. I think switching to a vegetarian diet and exercising will help this tremendously, but the cleanse and detox will be the fourth and final step.

Now I just need to find vegetarian protein sources that I can choke down, and exercise I can ease into. This will be an interesting journey, at the least.