Today I went to the doctor, because pretty much my body is totally falling apart. I have migraines every single day, and I'm losing weight rapidly - eight pounds just last week - and I have heart palpitations, and my hair is falling out, and I drink and drink and drink and drink, like a gallon of water a day.
So my doctor's brilliant solution to all of this was to remove several ounces of blood from my body, assuring me I was 'probably fine, maybe diabetic.'
I am an idiot. I know I'm an idiot because I do things like ask questions of doctors and expect yippy skippy answers. I actually asked the doctor - what if I'm not diabetic? Then can you like give me some drugs for my headaches?
She said if I'm not diabetic, she is going to send me for "imaging."
Do you know what imaging is? That's where they put your body on a table and send you into a huge machine, and you have to sit real still and hold onto your fillings so they don't get ripped from your mouth, and this magical magnet takes pictures of the inside of your body. I don't really get how a magnet can take a picture, but then, I don't get how a digital camera can take a picture. Regular film cameras, I get. I understand the premise - photosensitive paper, reacts to light, imprints picutre. Got it. Digital imaging? Magnentic whosywhatzit? Don't get it. Not even gonna try.
Anyway, "imaging" scares the shit out of me. If the doctor wants to put you in a large machine and look inside your body, that means they're looking for something. A doctor would never do that if they were looking for something normal, something that's supposed to be there. What it means is,
This might seem all hypochondriac, and it probably is, but my grandpa died of brain cancer when he was just 41 years old, in 1972. So I am slightly concerned.
And then, what if I "only" have diabeetis? I won't be able to eat candy or cookies or pie, and I might have to exercise or some shit like that, and I can just see me playing shuffleboard at The Laurels with Wilford Brimley.
Either way, if I ever get another cat, I am so naming it Diabeetis.