Thinking with the Hole (or, I Wish I had Felt Bacon.)

Here's the deal. I am a lot of things, but there are two things I am not, in a big way: organized, and creative. Being disorganized doesn't bother me one bit. It irritates the hell out of everyone around me, but check it out, I probably have ADD, so it's cool. (If you can't outgrow ADD, then I most certainly have it. They said I had it when I was a kid. Oh and I want a pony.)


So I'm not organized, and it's fine with me, but oh, what I would give to be creative. I wish I could paint like Bob Ross, and build log cabins like, well, like log cabin builders. I really, really want to make felt food. I know, I know, that's kind of a goofy thing to want, but it's true. If I had nuts, I'd give my left nut to be able to make felt food. I want to sculpt fantastic realistic sculptures. (I always make my mashed potatoes into a volcano, and then the gravy is the lava, but that doesn't count as sculpture.)



The problem is, there isn't a single shred of creativity in my body. Not a single one. I mean it. When I write to you all, that's not being creative. That's just me talkin.' It's like my brain just can't think creatively.


My mom found this long skinny wooden box with a lid. I was like, cool box. You could put something long and skinny in it. Not my mom. She turned it into a combo mail holder/key rack for Trees and my brother, The Genius. See, my mom is creative.


When I watch Martha Stewart (because shut up, sometimes I watch Martha Stewart. Don't act like you don't too.) - when i watch that show, I'm like, man, what a crazy good idea. One time, Martha Stewart took a foam wreath form, and painted it red, right. And then she took like forty thousand toothpicks, and broke them in half. She stuck the broken end into the stem part of a cranberry, and then stuck the other end in the wreath. She stuck it like all the way in, so it looked like a cranberry glued to the wreath. See, but the thing is, she totally covered the wreath with cranberries, and it was wicked cool. I would never think of that. I would see the wreath form and be like, what the hell is this?


Another time, Martha Stewart took a big pan and filled it halfway with water and froze it, and then then put some cranberries and leaves and crap on the ice, and then put more water on and froze it again. Then she popped it out of the pan and it was this cool see-through decoration. She even made little ice ornaments for her outside Christmas trees. It was so rad. That kind of thing would never even cross my mind.


As far as our Christmas tree goes, well I call it a combo of NASCAR chic and dollar store boutique. Because half of the ornaments are NASCAR thingies, and the other half are cheap crummy ornaments from the dollar store. And also, I let the kids decorate the tree this year, so there are only ornaments on four or five branches, but those branches have eight or ten ornaments apiece. I don't even care either. It doesn't bug me. Sometimes I see really nice trees and I think, wow, that's cool - but I could never pull it off.


Let me tell you how non-creative I am. I needed a skirt, but I am cheap to the teeth (which means basically I'd rather be toothless than spend money.) So my mom and I went to Jo-Ann's and got some fabric. All I had to do was cut along the cut edge to clean it up, and then my mom sewed it together and put a drawstring in.


I couldn't cut a straight line. That's how bad it is. I couldn't cut a straight freaking line. I felt like such a dill-hole, because that should be the easiest thing ever, to cut a line. I asked my mom if she had one of those paper cutters with an arm, like we had in school, and she laughed at me. My own mother laughed at me, and then she calmly took the scissors from my grip and cut the fabric for me. It took her all of thirty seconds. I had cut about ten inches and it had taken me like ten minutes, and I am not kidding. And the part that I did cut, was all wobbly and crooked. I think my morbidly obese chihuahua could cut a better line, and he doesn't even have thumbs. And needs a nail trim to boot.


Now the main problem with all of this is that I didn't get anything in exchange.

See, creative type stuff is "right brained thinking," right? Yeah, I think it is. And logical thinking, like math and stuff, is governed by the left part of your brain. So you would think that a person lacking in right brained thinking would naturally be more logical, more analytical, like the left brain would pick up where the right brain left off.


Ha!


I am the most illogical person I ever met, and also, I use a calculator for basic arithmetic. Does this mean my whole brain is screwed up? I mean, if the right brain is crap, and the left brain is slacking off, just what part of my brain am I using, exactly? Like, the middle part? If my brain was a donut, would I be using the hole?





Anyway, the whole point of this post is, man, I want to make felt food! And I friggen can't, because a) I lack the creativity to figure it out on my own, and b) I lack the logical thinking to follow the directions. Even if i had those two qualities, I'm pretty sure I have ADD, so I would get it half done and then decide to go vacuum out my van, because I just do that kind of thing.

Damn you, fake food, and your fake food makin' inspirations. All I want in life is some felt bacon. Is that too much to ask?