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Friday, July 17, 2009

Guess who's back.

It's cold today, and I love it. It feels like autumn. It didn't get out of the 60s all day, and the low tonight is predicted to be in the 40s. The air is crisp and cool and it feels a lot more like October than July.

I went outside and stood on the porch in the dusk, and breathed in the chilly breeze, and told the baby that when he or she comes, this is what it will feel like. It might be cloudy or sunny, rainy or windy, but it probably won't be hot and humid. It might even snow. I imagine myself hot and sweaty, laboring in my new house (which I may not even get, but it's part of my homebirth dream already) and I can practically feel the cool autumn breeze kissing my face. I am watching myself laboring, watching myself gazing out the window at the brilliant autumn foliage, watching my dusky blue baby emerge and turn pink. The baby somersaulted as I fantasized. I think the baby needed to reconnect too.

That thirty seconds barefoot on the porch was completely rejuvenating. I haven't focused on myself or my pregnancy since the floor fell out on our housing situation. My brain has been consumed by panic, and I've spent literally every waking hour in survival mode. I've been scrambling to raise money, find a place to live, pack up things I don't need right away and pare down things I don't need at all. I've been researching school districts, working and reworking budgets, measuring rooms and inspecting spider filled crawl spaces and to be perfectly honest, it has completely and totally wiped me out.

I felt like me again tonight. Something about the weather and the angle of the light just catapulted me into myself. And you know what? It feels good to be back.

Everything'll be all right.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Isn't it amazing? Sometimes all it takes is a few minutes alone to realign everything. Although technically you weren't 'alone' but your belly buddy's cool.