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Sunday, October 25, 2009

Sorry...

.... no baby yet.

I've been having contractions since Thursday but none of them are productive. I'm officially 6 days overdue today, going by the latest due date. (Going by the first one, I'm 18 days overdue.)

I have a persistent headache that I'll have to talk to the midwife about. I get cramps and contractions and have lost scary amounts of mucus plug... but no baby. I am starting to feel like there is something wrong with my body, that maybe I'm not capable of giving birth. I couldn't do it four times before - the hospital had to do it.

Last night I dreamed I wasn't even pregnant. I dreamed it was all a misunderstanding, and there wasn't a baby in there after all. I woke up to furious kicking and hiccuping and even what felt like a backflip. Apparently the dream wasn't prophetic.

Everyday I wake up thinking "Maybe this will be the day." And then in the afternoon, when it becomes apparent that this isn't the day, I think "Maybe tomorrow will be the day." But it's never the day. The day doesn't seem to want to come.

I know I won't be pregnant forever. But I worry that maybe I sort of will. Maybe my body is so defective that it can't give birth, and the baby will end up dying in utero because it can't get out.

On top of all this, I feel like if I don't have the baby soon, people are going to find out that there is this serious defect with me. I've made The Hub stay home for two days because I think it's the day and then nothing happens. I don't want him to go back to work and have all the people there think his wife is a hypochondriac or an idiot.

I don't know what to do. None of the self induction techniques work. Not a single one! I even tried the mega-dose of castor oil, but as soon as I swallowed it, I barfed it all back up again. I don't think I can look at orange juice the same way again.

I'm depressed.

5 comments:

Supermomof3 said...

Dont get discouraged and take it from me!! Dont let the depression start before the birth! I did that and had really bad PPD after my son. I thought the same thing ALL the nurses knew me by face and name at the hospital. I was there almost every other night for a month with my THIRD child!! I thought I was in labor and then they would send me home! I had moments where they gave me Stadol in my IV and sent me home. I was so upset and thought he was NEVER going to come out!! i cried almost every day until I had to be induced to force him out. The crying didnt stop intil he was 6 months old (also due to his colic) but nonetheless think happy thoughts you will know when you are ready to have that beautiful baby! Think and praying for you!

Jenny said...

I'm so sorry you're going through that. I remember having the same scary thoughts when my daughter was late. I am paranoid all the time, pregnant or not, so it was all too easy to let my imagination run away with me when everything was ready and I had all that time on my hands to do nothing but wait.

One of my midwives wrote this post a few days before my due date and it really spoke to me. I read it several times when I was feeling discouraged, so I thought you might like it too: http://scmidwife.blogspot.com/2009/07/wait-upon-lord.html

Despite all my fears, I ended up having a beautiful birth and a perfectly healthy baby. I will pray that you do, too.

Stuff On My Blog said...

Oh my, you poor thing. I was a week over due + with all three of my younger boys so I really do feel your pain.

Your body is NOT defective! Your baby just hasn't decided to make his/her grand entrance yet :) You will have that baby eventually so take hear that this too shall pass hun.

Those long last days of pregnancy are enough to make anyone a bit blah about the whole thing aren't they!

Jan S said...

Please talk to your doctor. When my daughter was 10 days over due I was induced. The placenta starts to deteriorate after the due date and puts the baby in danger, that is what my doctor told me.

At least you are having contractions, I never did. She was my first an only child. I had such a rotten pregnancy and birth I vowed never to that again.

Jenni said...

It's gonna happen sister, and when you push that baby out all on your own it's gonna be magic. Hang in.

xo