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Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Discouraged.

I am not holding a baby in my arms.

Yesterday I had a "rough" exam, per my request, to hopefully get things going. I was already dilated to 4cm and 80% effaced so I figured a cervical sweep would help things along.

It did, for awhile. I spent all afternoon with cramps that turned into painful, regular contractions. I called The Hub home from work. I called the doula to come over. I called the midwife, who said to labor until the contractions were closer and then call her back.

We walked and relaxed and labored easily, until around 8pm, when everything came to a screeching halt. The doula went home, and I called the midwife to tell her everything had stopped.

I went to bed, certain that when I woke up in the morning it would be not by screaming kids or an alarm clock, but by painful, real contractions.

I was wrong. I woke up to screaming kids, as usual, and nothing about my body feels different. I feel like I've felt for the last month.

The problem is, though, that now I have completely lost confidence in my body. I have a feeling that when labor starts for real, I will ignore it until it's too late to call anyone. I don't want to give birth alone, or worse, surrounded only by my very young children. But I'm afraid that will happen, because I don't trust the signs. Yesterday, everything in me said "This is it." But I was wrong. If I can't tell the difference, how I am going to know when it's the real thing?

I am afraid to give birth without any support, but I'm so embarrassed about calling everyone and it not being real, that I know it won't happen again. I won't let it happen again.

5 comments:

Breeze said...

In my opinion this baby isn't ever coming out. This happened to me over six years ago...twice and she never did come out...it's really bad being pregnant all this time...lol.

Ok..jokes aside...it really did happen to me twice and thinking back I was more embarrassed than anything...but when it did start for real I knew it...and it did...she is six. She was born sixteen days after the "due" date.

I so feel for you...and it will all be ok and you will be holding that baby soon...stop doing anything, stop thinking about it and just live for a while...pregnant...this baby will come out and it will be storybook!

Breeze

Jenni said...

Not that you need anyone's assvice right now, but I'm going to give it to you anyways.

I felt exactly the same way. After three days of serious pre-labor with consistent contractions 25 minutes apart, I thought I was never having Miles. I though my water broke and had a check - NOPE! Just peeing my pants. I must have called the midwives and my doula 10 times. I felt like such an asshole.

I finally came to an agreement w/the midwives & doula that I'd call two or three times a day (depending on my contractions) to check in with them. It was actually really nice an encouaging to talk with them, and I didnt' feel like a pest because they were expecting my call, and they'd even call me once a day to check in. It was nice - we all knew the baby was coming soon, so we were keepign in close contact. I felt like way less of an ass. Maybe you could do something like that?

Good luck, sister. It has to come out eventually.

Susie said...

Just popping by to say - it is ABSOLUTELY sad how many of my readers I say, "Oh yeah, I should be following their feed" but never get around to adding them. Uh, you being one of them. So, for the record. I'm following now :)

nava said...

I understand completely. I was only 2 weeks late this time, but the day before birth I was really going 'this is IT!' and it sort of was, in that it got me going for the real thing, after a long pause :)
Basically all I'm writing to say is that once you get going, everything will work out fine. You'll be able to trust your body again because, frankly, I don't think you're going to have a choice :) Sending happy birthing vibes your way; can't wait to hear how it went!

Priscila said...

you will have the baby soon enough!!! Just dont take cod oil! I was up all night. I should write about it...its funny now but not during. The last couple weeks are the longest in my mind!!! Cant wait to see pics of the cutie!!

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