I am not holding a baby in my arms.
Yesterday I had a "rough" exam, per my request, to hopefully get things going. I was already dilated to 4cm and 80% effaced so I figured a cervical sweep would help things along.
It did, for awhile. I spent all afternoon with cramps that turned into painful, regular contractions. I called The Hub home from work. I called the doula to come over. I called the midwife, who said to labor until the contractions were closer and then call her back.
We walked and relaxed and labored easily, until around 8pm, when everything came to a screeching halt. The doula went home, and I called the midwife to tell her everything had stopped.
I went to bed, certain that when I woke up in the morning it would be not by screaming kids or an alarm clock, but by painful, real contractions.
I was wrong. I woke up to screaming kids, as usual, and nothing about my body feels different. I feel like I've felt for the last month.
The problem is, though, that now I have completely lost confidence in my body. I have a feeling that when labor starts for real, I will ignore it until it's too late to call anyone. I don't want to give birth alone, or worse, surrounded only by my very young children. But I'm afraid that will happen, because I don't trust the signs. Yesterday, everything in me said "This is it." But I was wrong. If I can't tell the difference, how I am going to know when it's the real thing?
I am afraid to give birth without any support, but I'm so embarrassed about calling everyone and it not being real, that I know it won't happen again. I won't let it happen again.
My Mom Body (aaay_macaroni)
4 days ago