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Thursday, December 4, 2008

How to Self Induce Labor

My virtual friend Jenni is trying to have a baby. But her baby is messing with her. He decided to flip himself butt-first at the last minute, and now he just won't come out. So I am compiling here a list of things I have tried to get my babies out.

Pretend you are in labor, just to get a cervical check. That might work. It probably won't, but it might, theoretically.

Sit on a trampoline and have your kids jump around you, so you bounce repeatedly on your tush. Don't stand though, because it just seems dangerous to jump on a trampoline with a forty pound belly.

Have your partner get really close to your vajayjay, and have him scream up there, "Go toward the light!! This way out!!"

Go on your favorite online community and bitch and moan about still.being.pregnant.

Notice that you have forgotten to purchase an essential item.

Ask your doctor if you can take castor oil. Go buy the castor oil, but chicken out and don't take it. Watch in delight as your older child dumps it all over the rug.

Call everyone you know and assure them that you are not in labor, and don't even feel like you are going into labor. DO NOT tell anyone you are having even the slightest labor symptom, because that will jinx it all and you will not, in fact, go into labor that day.

Have your seven year old come home from the first day of school with a huge list of crap you forgot to buy, then take a walk through WalMart looking for all that crap. Try not to beat up the fifty thousand other bad parents who also forgot to buy everything, even if they do snatch the last box of crayons right out from under you. It is best if the first day of school also happens to be the hottest day of the year.[This one works.]

Good luck Jenni!! Hope that baby gets his butt out of there pronto! (Get it... "gets his butt out of there".... he's breech... yeah.)

Oh and HAPPY BIRTHDAY to The Babe... he's three months old today!


Elizabeth Gallo said...

I did two things: first, I went to the craft store and bought a bunch of crap to start projects, knowing that once the baby came, there would be no time. And second, I drank the castor oil. It worked!

Tara said...

I dragged Husband around Wal-Mart at 3 am, then made him have sex with me which was the last thing both of us wanted to do (well, other than go to Wal-Mart at 3am). What can I say, it was the only place open at that time other than a club, and well... ew.

I sill went to nearly 43 weeks.

Jenni said...

Thanks for the tips, Ninja. I've been to target three times this week and have been considering faking labor, hoping if I go to the hospital, they'll just take the kid since it is breech. I JUST WANT IT OUT!

Anonymous said...

Both my babies turned breech at the last minute. But being that both of them (my 1st and my attempt at a VBAC) ended in c-sections so perhaps I am not the best for the advice.