centennial

So, here we are. 100 posts. Well, technically, its 105, but four of them were guest posts. So, shit. I'm a post late. Maybe I should have paid more attention in first grade math, huh?

Anyway. Here we go. 100 things.

10 Food Things

1. I hate eggs. I just cannot stomach an egg, no matter how you cook it, unless you disguise it by putting it in the batter for a tasty bakery item.

2. I have a drinking problem. I drink at least a gallon of water a day. It might be because I'm nursing, but I don't know, because I nursed two other babies (one into toddlerhood) and I never was this thirsty.

3. I counted, and it turns out I only eat about 900 calories a day, except when I go to McDonald's. Then I eat about 1400 calories a day. No wonder I'm losing weight. Duh.

4. I don't like meat, because it looks like dead bodies to me. I still eat it though, because other protein sources are friggen disgusting. Beans? Tofu? I don't think so.

5. My grandma makes the best coconut cream pie ever. The filling is this incredible homemade vanilla custard with flakes of coconut in it, and the top is the fluffiest meringue ever. It isn't creamy like storebought, and it doesn't taste really coconutty like storebought. It's friggen incredible. I could eat a whole pie at one sitting and I am not exaggerating.

6. You know how when you have a baby, and you make food for them to eat, you should test it on your tongue or lip to make sure it isn't too hot? I never do that. I can't stand the thought of baby food touching any part of my mouth, even if it's homemade baby food.

7. As apparent from number 6, I have texture issues. I can't stand funky textures in food. Bananas make me gag. Squash makes me gag. Sweet potatoes make me gag. Celery makes me gag (strings.) Anything really crunchy bothers me too. Raw veggies - no. Potato chips - rarely.

8. I like to drink milk but I'm lactose intolerant.

9. I'm finally at a place in my life where I am confident that pretty much everything I cook is going to turn out. That's kind of cool, because when The Hub and I were first married, dinner was always kind of a crap shoot.

10. I just read this list and I guess I kind of have food issues.

10 Lifestyle Things

1. I don't smoke anymore, or drink or do drugs, but sometimes I wish I did, because then maybe I wouldn't think so much.

2. I absolutely cannot stand fiction of any type. Movies, television, books. Just can't stand it. I'm a perfectionist, and every time I see/read fiction, there is some sort of error in facts. Like, one time I read a story about a veterinarian, and he kept calling all the male bovines "heifers." Listen, asshole, if you are a vet, and even if you're not, you should know this: a heifer is a female cow who has never given birth. Male cows are either bulls or steers. See now I'm getting really mad just thinking about it.

3. I kind of like animals. I mean, I don't treat animals like people - I don't think that's healthy. I respect animals and I like them. Petey, my morbidly obese chihuahua, is very well trained, because I fancy myself the white female dog whisperer.

4. I drive a silver Dodge Grand Caravan, just like everyone else who goes to the same grocery store I do. Luckily, I hit a big yellow pole in a drive through, so now I can tell which van is mine by looking for the giant yellow dent in the side.

5. My kids play soccer, and that officially makes me a soccer mom. I hate that.

6. I don't like using birth control, as evidenced by my four children. However, I don't think I want to go for number five. Not sure what I'm going to do about it, and knowing me, number five will come along while I'm still deciding.

7. I can't wear socks with a big seam in the toe, because that just bugs me.

8. I watch Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy every night, and I get almost all the puzzles in just a few letters, and on the latter, I question almost all the answers correctly. I tried out for Jeopardy, though, and I got so nervous that I totally bombed. Also they gave me shitty ass categories like Ballet. What the fuck.

9. I was a single parent until 2003. I was 19 when EJ was born, and I met the Hub when she was 18 months old. We got married when she was 23 months old. I never have been patient.

10. If you ever came to my house, you would be shocked at the amount of crap I have piled everywhere. It's only a problem when The Hub gets laid off from work and decides to put it all away and then I can't find a damn thing, and that seriously annoys me.

10 Music Things

1. I love 90's rap. LOVE IT!

2. I think U2 is like, one of the worst bands ever. I don't get the U2 obsession. U2 is crap, yo. But, I think Bono is a pretty cool guy, for all his activism and such. Too bad he can't sing.

3. At my funeral, I want you to play Hot Stuff by Donna Summer and Mothership Connection by Parliament Funkadelic, and I want you to shake your ass till its numb. Don't dance. Just stand around shaking your ass.

4. I watch all those VH1 Top 100 shows, and I get really mad every time. Did you know they say "Welcome to the Jungle" is the best hard rock song ever? (If you didn't, go back a few words. There's your spoiler.) I mean, WttJ is pretty hard rock. But seriously, assholes. Back in Black is way better.

5. I remember one time when I was a little kid, I was riding in the car, and I told my mom I wanted to be a singer. She said I couldn't be a singer because I was a girl, so I went home and made a fake penis out of rolled up paper and wore that in my pants for a few hours. It didn't work. Not only can I not be a singer because I'm a girl, but also, I can't sing. Thanks for ruining my dreams, Mom! You big jerk!

6. Sometimes I watch tv really late at night, and I love when they have infomercials for those Time Life compilations. What I do is listen carefully and write down the songs I like, then I go listen to them online, instead of buying an eighty four disc set of love songs from the seventies.

7. When I was a little kid, I loved Stars and Stripes Forever. I got the tape from the library, and I made my poor mother play it in the car, really loud. The louder the better! I renewed the tape like six times, and everywhere we went, my mom played it for me, rewinding it at the end of the song and listening to that one song over and over again. She recently told me how embarrassed she was to pull up to a stop light with John Phillip Sousa blaring at full volume. Just picture us in our gigantic 1984 Buick. And the air conditioner never worked, so naturally the windows would be down. I guess this makes up for her telling me I couldn't be a singer.

8. I can do a really, really good impression of Bob Dylan, so long as you're drunk and disregard the fact that Bob Dylan's voice is significantly lower and scratchier than mine.

9. For some unknown reason, I get the drunken sailor song stuck in my head all the time. You know - "What shall we do with a drunken sailor, what shall we do with drunken sailor, what shall we do with a drunken sailor - throw him overboard." I don't know if that's how it really goes, but that's how I sing it. Deal.

10. Did you know Kevin Costner is a country singer now? I guess he got sick of drinking his own urine.

10 Random Things

1. Sometimes I think about really, really bizarre things. Like yesterday, in the shower, I thought, 'What if they put a typo on your driver's license, and instead of saying you were 5'5", it said you were 9'5". I mean that could cause a lot of trouble, if you got pulled over.' Then I thought, 'What if you actually were 9 feet tall, you wouldn't be able to take a shower properly.' Then The Hub poked his head in the shower and scared the hell out of me.

2. I think it would be really cool to have a pocket watch.

3. I have no ambitions for the future, career-wise. I can't decide on something I want to do. I would like to be a photographer, a DNR officer, a midwife, a homeopathic doctor, a youth counselor, an artist, or a computer programmer. My only real goal is to walk to Alberta, and I guess I can figure it out while I'm walking. I mean, I'll probably have a lot of time on my hands.

4. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and watch The Winnebago Guy, just for fun.

5. Every time I watch Judge Judy, I rack my brain to think of someone I could possibly sue. Then I get worried, thinking about who might sue me.

6. I went to jail once, for seventeen hours. That's another post in itself.

7. I always talk to the tv. I shout the answer on game shows: "What is argon! What is argon! ARGON, YOU ASSHOLE!" Then the dipshit says arsenic, and I'm like, what a fucking idiot.

8. My dad looks just like Red Green.

9. I don't like swimming in a lake or river, because I'm scared of seaweed and dead logs and big rocks and anything else that might be in the water. If I lived by the ocean, I might be afraid of sharks too. Come to think of it, I'm kind of afraid of sharks anyway.

10. I like to read books about hillbillies, and use hillbilly slang, like pig in a poke. Also, I call my dad Pappy, and my grandpa Granddaddy. When I remember to.

10 Reasons to Give Me Money

1. Because you don't need it.

2. Because everyone else is doing it.

3. Because if you don't, I'll never raise enough money to send my dog to college.

4. Because in actuality, American money ain't worth the paper it's printed on.

5. Because you feel bad that I drive a silver Grand Caravan with a yellow dent in the side.

6. Because you know I would spend it on something worthwhile, like this.

7. Because if you don't, your wife will find out you bought that strip joint with the tattered remnants of your 401K.

8. Because money is like manure- it should be spread around.

9. Because I promise you I won't use it for drugs or prostitutes.

10. Because I'm frickin' awesome.

10 Kid-Related Things

1. Sometimes, I'm just sick of picking Floam off my bathrobe.

2. I am carseat obsessed and I get mad when I see people using or selling expired ones. People are so unbelievably stupid. It makes me want to punch them. Seriously.

3. I actually enjoy reading the three page newsletter EJ brings home every Wednesday, even though the last two pages are the same shit they write every week, and even though the public school has not one, not two, but three Bible clubs that are promoted relentlessly.

4. I might be evil for saying this, considering I'm a former homeschooler, but there are days when I can't wait till all my kids are in school. I know once they are, I'll cry, though, and probably get a little chihuahua puppy to keep me Petey company. And teach it to ask for a snack every thirty two seconds, and write on the walls, and flush unimportant things (like eyeglasses) down the toilet.

5. I can't stand playgroup. Seriously.

6. I really love it when all the kids pile in my bed first thing in the morning, even if it's really early. Also, as irritated as I get with the kids during the day, I am the picture of patience in the middle of the night, even when someone is vomiting.

7. I wish I could remember when EJ and Four were babies.

8. My children make me the most beautiful drawings and paintings and sculptures. I save them all. My dining room wall is covered in artwork, and I have boxes and boxes of it in the closet. I can't bring myself to throw away what their little hands have worked so hard on.

9. Even though I joke about how awful it is to have babies close in age, it really, truly, isn't that hard. Not for me, at least. It's a lot easier than I thought it would be.

10. One time I read about a woman who was in that big tsunami. She had a baby and a two year old. She clung to a tree and had to decide which child to let go. I don't remember if she made the choice, but I think of that when I am having a hard time with the kids, and it puts things in perspective for me. And I know that I couldn't make the choice. We would all drown together. Isn't that morbid?

10 Things I Invented, But Don't Get Credit For (i mean, but for which i didn't get credit.)

1. The mp3. In sixth grade - 1993 - I had to do a report on anything I wanted. I chose music. I didn't do the report, though. I just messed around till the last minute, and then I made some shit up. I said that cd's were the music vehicle of the 90s and that in the future, music would be stored as tiny bits of information on a microchip, and people would store the chips in really small devices, because microchips are small. My teacher thought I was retarded, but guess what, teacher? I WAS RIGHT. Teachers, anyway.

2. Satellite radio. During high school, I went through a Beatles phase. It was then that I came up with satellite radio. I told my social studies teacher, Mr. Fredline, that if I could invent something, I would invent a radio that ran through satellites, and that way you could have as many channels as you wanted. Then you could make channels that were just one genre or band, like The Beatles. He asked if he could have an Elvis channel and I said sure.

3. Alternative Energy. Once again. High school, Mr. Fredline. In my junior or maybe senior year of high school (I don't remember which,) Mr. Fredline did a brief stint as a chemistry teacher, and got the good fortune to have me in his class. We were talking about what chemicals would kill fish in a river, and I said you could use jelly beans to run a car. (I know. ADD.) He laughed at me, but then he said it was a pretty good idea. Later in the course, we burned different things to see their calorie content. A jelly bean burned longer than broccoli, but not nearly as long as a peanut, which burns for frickin' ever. It would be bad news to have a fire in a peanut factory. Anyway, I told him once again that we should use jelly beans to run cars, and he said peanuts were cheaper and provided more energy. Teachers, anyway.

4. Alternative Energy, part two. Apparently, I was pretty into alternative energy in high school. I told Mr. Fredline that instead of jelly beans or peanuts, we could use marshmallows to run a car! He was mad because we were in the middle of our final exam. Teachers, anyway.

5. Edgar Allen Poe. In freshman English, I had to write a report on a person. I think they called it like a biography or something. Anyway, my last name started with an S, so by the time the teacher got down to me, all the good people were taken. I think all that was left was Hitler and Lizzie Borden and that guy who accidentally invented the microwave. So I chose Hitler, figuring there would be a lot of information available about Hitler. There was, but I didn't do the report. I just waited till the last minute and made a bunch of shit up. (Recognize a theme here?) I didn't even know what Hitler looked like, except for his little moustache thingy, so I drew a picture of some dude with a Hitler moustache. And guess what? I drew a guy who looked EXACTLY like Edgar Allen Poe. The teacher, who I was certain was a lesbian but then married the math teacher, who was a guy, gave me an F. Teachers, anyway.

6. Bell bottoms. Okay, I didn't invent this one, but I did bring it back. In the early 90's, people were wearing the most godawful shit. Overalls with one shoulder undone, really high waisted baggy pants, hypercolor shirts. Awful. Well I found some bell bottoms at the Goodwill, and I started wearing them when I was twelve, around 1994. Everyone made fun of me for two years until all of a sudden, bell bottoms became insanely popular. Except they didn't call them bell bottoms. They called them "flare leg jeans." Then I had to find something else to wear, those bastards.

7. 8. 9. 10. Okay, so I only had six things. But they were really good things, so I'm not going to make up the four I left off. I can do that, because it's my blog. Hmph.

30 More Random Things, To Make This Equal 100. (or 96, since I left four off the last one.)

1. One time, I took a self defense class with my brother, The Genius, and my cousin, Pedro. We had to kick this pillow that the teacher, a lady, was holding. She was crouched down and holding in front of her face. Smooth move, lady, cause Pedro missed the pillow and kicked her right in her face.

2. In any place, at any moment, whenever the urge strikes, I will drop everything and do the robot.

3. I think I should probably carry a multi-tool, in case I ever get lost in the wilderness. I don't, though, because I never go in the wilderness, unless you count my yard, which is never mowed.

4. If I had a hammer, I wouldn't hammer in the morning or the evening. I would hammer in the middle of the night just to piss the neighbors off.

5. It really bugs me when I walk all the way to my mailbox, which is like 200 feet away, and when I get there, all I got in the mail was a stupid postcard from some company trying to sell me a water softener.

6. I always sleep with the tv on, because then I dream about what I'm hearing on tv. Otherwise I have terrible nightmares. One time I dreamed that I walked around to my basement door (I have a walkout basement) and I looked in the window and there was this big pink gooey monster in my basement! He looked like a ten foot tall chunk of bubble gum with hair all stuck in it. So I listened to my gut instinct and started throwing cans of Redpop at him. It was actually a really scary dream.

7. I used to have a half ton Chevy Scottsdale, but it caught on fire on the highway.

8. One time, I got a new VCR, and when I plugged it in, it caught on fire.

9. On Christmas Eve one year, I was making frosting for cupcakes, and my mixer caught on fire and got black ash in my frosting.

10. I got a flat tire one time, and The Hub came and got me in our Ford pick up truck, and when he pulled in the parking lot, it caught on fire.

11. I used to have a Chevy Caprice, and I was driving south on US131, near Luther, and the alternator seized up and caught on fire.

12. I don't think there's anything else that's caught on fire, other than things I wanted to catch on fire, like this old chair I found under all the tall grass in my backyard.

13. One time, my dad dug a big ditch in the yard. It was probably three feet wide, four feet deep, and maybe 100 feet long. He dug it so he could run some water pipes from the barn to the drainfield or something, but me and my brother used it for our own personal playground. We played in the muddy ditch every day for four days, and then my dad was done working on it and filled it up and we cried.

14. I like blogging, but I like going fishing more. Except the part about putting the worm on the hook and catching a fish through the lip and letting it suffocate to death. I guess maybe I don't like fishing after all. I do like sitting on a rowboat in the middle of a lake and acting liek I'm fishing.

15. I have really long hair, and I want to cut it so bad, but my kids and my nephews like to put their fat little arms around my neck and play with my hair, so I'm not going to cut it till they're bigger.

16. In high school, I had very short neon orange hair that I wore in liberty spikes.

17. Sometimes, I think I might be paranoid. Like sometimes if I'm in a public restroom, I think, what if they have cameras in here, and they see me picking my nose in this bathroom stall?

18. Sad fact: I have been pregnant 13 times. I have four children.

19. I hate wearing makeup because it feels all weird on my skin, and then when I see myself in the mirror, I'm startled because I look like some kind of freak.

20. My mom used to make me go to counseling when I was a kid, cause she thought I was messed up from my parent's divorce, but I wasn't. Actually I didn't care at all. But what was funny is, the counselor's name was Dick Harder.

21. Even though I'm kind of fat, I still like my body. I think my stretch marks are really cool, and you should see how far I can pull the skin out on my belly! It's amazing!

22. You know on the Progressive commercials, that lady with the red lipstick who's kinda funny? I think me and her would be really good friends.

23. My friend told me she had an STD and it was all I could do to not bust out laughing at her.

24. My other friend invited me to her wedding, but I didn't go, because I'm a lousy friend. Sorry.

25. I hate when my cat gets by my head and purrs. That just makes me fucking crazy. Why do you do that, cat? What the hell are you trying to tell me?

26. The Hub and I don't sleep in the same bed. He snores too much. He sleeps on the couch and I sleep in the bed with The Babe. It's been this way since we got married, except he used to sleep in the bed. He worked third shift. So we've never slept together, not even once, except on our wedding night, and I didn't get hardly any sleep at all because he kept snoring.

27. I hate the city. It makes me feel claustrophobic.

28. If I could go anywhere in the world, it would be the Rocky Mountains. I would start at the southern tip and walk to the northern tip. I like walking places.

29. My best friend lives in Iowa, which is no big deal, except I live in Michigan. That makes me mad sometimes.

30. I can't believe I've written 96 facts about me. I think I have carpal tunnel syndrome now. Thanks a lot, hundred and first blog post.