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Sunday, January 4, 2009

if i had a pet elephant, i would name it shuffles. that's right, you heard me.

You know what, I am a lazy fuck. I don't like to do anything, really, except for outdoorsy stuff like walking to foreign countries and making forts and going fishing and stuff. If a task requires me to move more than, oh, five feet from my current position, I complain, loudly. ("Come on, you mean you can't change your own diaper? You're four months old for Chrissakes!")

One thing I almost never do, unless I absolutely have to, is housework. I hate housework with a fiery passion. In fact, I hate housework almost as much as I love something else.

Thing is this. It's not just that I'm unabashedly lazy. Mainly it's that I just don't care. I mean, I'll run the vacuum around when the floor gets dirty, because I have babies who play on the floor. And I wash out the tub before each bath, and run the dishwasher. But, real cleaning? You mean you want me to like, dust the lampshades? Are you friggin serious?

One thing I just cannot do is mop. It's the mopwater. Every time I mop, I end up with long hairs wound in my fingers (because my floor has to be mopped by hand,) and the water is just gross. It's like, when you were a kid, and you would be using watercolors in kindergarten, and some schmuck always used up all the black, so you mixed all the watercolors together to get black, but it just turned into this nasty gray puke shit color? That's what mopwater reminds me of, only with chunks of dried up peaches and bits of lint and what looks like half of my cat and long blonde hairs, because I shed more than my cat does. And all of that just makes me gag. I can't see it, I can't smell it, I can't even think about without dry heaving.

And here is where I introduce you to my new favorite invention:


This is right up my alley. I would use these every day. You get clean floors, kind of, but check it out. You would have thighs of freaking steel if you used these. And did you see the whole video? Toward the end, they say you can get these tub shuffles free with your order. TUB SHUFFLES!! You just strap them on and lay on your back in your bathtub and rub your feet all over everything. No water, though. They only work if you lay in there dry, with your bathrobe on.

But there's no way I'm forking over fifteen bucks for Shuffles (plus postage and handling.) You could just make these at home. All you need are two sponges and some duct tape, and away you go. If you get Shuffles, what you should do is first put on "I Would Do Anything for Love," by Meatloaf, and halfway through your kitchen, be sure to do a triple lutz. If you can't do a triple lutz, fake it. You aren't figure skating, after all. Just "cleaning" your linoleum.

And also, if you were to give me a pet elephant, I would name it Shuffles. Maybe strap some sponges to it too. Gotta earn your keep, elephant.


Zeemaid said...

LOL. That's right.. make the elephant earn his keep! Who wants to lie in a dry tub and scrub with your feet though? I love your honesty!! I'm lazy smuck too.

Jenni said...

dude, i practically invented these suckers myself during my last pregnancy.

Brandice said...

I felt like I was reading about myself when you were talking about the various chores you hate, except for vacuuming, the kids take care of that for me by eating everything off the floor. It's building up their immune systems, you know?