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Monday, March 23, 2009

The Big V.

Just a few more days till The Hub goes under the knife. That's right - he's getting The Big V - vasectomy. He's nervous. And I think that's hilarious.

Four times now - and working on a fifth - I have suffered. Nine long months of suffering. Then I had the joy, four times, to go through that beautiful horrible experience called "labor." (It should be called "Ohmygoditsgoingtocomeoutmybellylikeinthatmoviealien.") And then, joy of joys, I got to, for all practical purposes, poop a pumpkin. Four times. (Oh, and a couple of those "pumpkins" were close to ten pounds. And one came out with her hands by her face. That's like two pumpkins.)

Let's talk about sacrifices, shall we? All the above, plus afterpains. Afterpains are a "good" thing. When you get afterpains, that means your uterus is clamping down so you don't bleed too much. But the thing is, afterpains hurt like a motherbleeper. The last time, six months ago, the afterpains were hella worse than labor itself.

Then, you get to bleed for a month or more. That's right, bleed. Out your vajayjay. And then, on top of all of this, you get to raise the little alien/pumpkin/child that you pushed out. Oh, oh, and if you're really lucky, you get to have major abdominal surgery. You get to have that kid popped out like a pimple, and I've never had it done, but I am guessing that it feels great to recover from. [sarcasm.]

So when my husband gets all upset about have a 1/2" incision in his, um, you know, I'm sorry pal. I just can't feel sorry for you. I'm sympathetic, for sure. I feel bad that you're nervous, and I know it's going to be a little scary. But tell you what. I'll go in with you. I'll even hold your hand.

And I won't make any jokes about Rocky Mountain Oysters, I swear.


Zeemaid said...

*L* Thanks for the perspective. I had actually started to feel bad for asking that my hubby go through that. We have yet to accomplish the fact though.. had it all booked and everything but had to cancel. That was an entire year ago now. So... back to the doc it is.

Anonymous said...

THANK YOU! Seriously, I love my husband but I almost laughed in his face when he said he wasn't sure about the big V.... buddy I had my stomach cut open and various internal organs moved momentarily external...following months of torture. Dude, you will survive.

Jenni said...

seriously, give him a bag of frozen peas, a beer, and tell him to get over it.

Sara said...


And what is up with those afterpains? OMG. The only time I swore when I had my son was when my nurse was palpitating my uterus right after delivery to help me expel some clots. Yikes.

Yeah, my hubs wants to wait a couple of years before having a vasectomy, which is completely annoying. I just gave birth and now I have to worry about birth control. Give me a frigging break.

Kim Sanchez said...

While I was pregnant with my 3rd child in 4 years, my husband also had a vasectomy. He took his little Xanax and timidly walked into the dr.'s office. When he waddled out a few minutes later he had the nerve to say to me, "You have no idea how uncomfortable it is to be in those stirrups!" Men are WIMPS!!!