I busted my ass in the garden today. literally.

So I want to put in a new garden on the west side of my house. Right now, it's a patch of grass with a big rock pile at one end, so I decided to take advantage of the nice weather and move the rocks.





The rocks are all large-ish, about fifteen to twenty pounds, and they had been there so long that the grass had grown tightly around them, so that it wasn't possible for me to move them with my hands. I was using a shovel to pry them out, and then I tossed them out of the way. The kids were helping me, rolling them where I showed them to. Some of the rocks are significantly bigger than the others, weighing at least thirty or forty pounds, and the kids couldn't, of course, move those. So I left them around the perimeter of the area.

That was a big mistake.

Picture me. I'm standing on the rock pile, which by now is only a layer or two deep, and I'm wearing a tie-dye t-shirt and pink sweatpants. I've got neoprene coated work gloves on, and I big shovel, and I'm prying these rocks out like I belonged on a chain gang or something.

One rock in particular was hard to budge. I stuck the shovel in, jumped on it, and pried. Suddenly, it unexpectedly gave way, and I fell backwards, right on my ass. Which wouldn't have been a big problem, except for the fact that my asscrack made full contact with a large, rather pointed stone.

I have given birth four times. This was worse. The second I hit that rock, everything went white. I think that's like when you black out, except in reverse, because I hit the opposite of my head.

EJ started laughing hysterically as I just laid on the ground and cried like a little child. "Go get your dad," I managed to gurgle, and before I knew it he was standing over me.

"What happened?" he asked.

I tried to tell him, but I was crying too hard. "I broke my ass," I finally choked out. And he laughed at me too.

I got up off the ground, brushed the ants off me, and made sure the neighbors hadn't seen anything. Then I limped my broken ass into the house. I'm certain I broke a bone. It's the asscrack bone, the one that you can feel just at the very top of your asscrack. The bruise started immediately. Here is a picture.




Note: This is not an actual photograph.

It's hard to have a broken ass. You can't sit anywhere. You can't hold anyone. You can't even walk, because it turns out, you have an asscrack bone in order to do all of those things, and when it's broken, it hurts to even breathe.

I don't know if you're supposed to go to the hospital when you bust your ass. I have a bizarre fear of doctors and hospitals, so I'm not going. Nope. I will sit here on one cheek, with a bag of frozen peas wedged in my crack, and hope for the best. And I will hire someone to move the damn rocks.