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Friday, October 9, 2009

Quit Pissing Off the Moon, Fools.

Seriously. This is probably one of the silliest things I have ever heard - and I'm a bit of an expert on silly, being a mom of a passel of kids.

Here's what happened.

Some people at NASA were sitting around a big fancy conference table - you know, the super shiny kind - trying to figure out what they could do to the moon that the Russians haven't already done, and that the Chinese haven't thought of yet.

"We could send astronauts up there to look at it," one scientist said.

"We already did that," another responded.

"Yeah, but no one believes it, so we could do it again."

There were quiet murmurings as they mulled it over, but the idea was vetoed. Too unoriginal, they decided. They needed something better.

"I know! I know!" A little man in a black suit said. "We could send up a spaceship and have it bring back samples, but instead of checking out the samples in the traditional scientific way, we can give them to school children, and have them taste the rocks to see if the moon is really made out of green cheese!"

More murmurings. This was kind of a good idea, because you know how school children are. They'll eat anything if you tell them it's cheese.

But again, this idea was shot down.

Suddenly, they all got the same idea at once.

"We'll shoot rockets at the moon!" they cried excitedly. "We'll blast that sucker right out of the sky!!"

"But we can't do that," a scientist interrupted. "At least, we can't do it without a reason."

"Tell them we're looking for ice!" another scientist chortled. "Tell them we'll hit it with a rocket, and then we'll take pictures of whatever it is we see."

And so it was decided.*

And if you think I'm kidding, I'm not.

They even televised this shit, except it didn't work out like they thought it would. You couldn't see anything but a big plume of dust. (Really? You were expecting fireworks or something?)

One scientist actually said - and I freakin quote here, people - "This is so cool... we're thrilled."


Well, I'll tell you what. I'm not thrilled. I'm pissed. The moon seems innocuous, shining away up there in the sky, orbiting our planet, harmlessly smiling down at us in children's picture books. But the moon is crazy. The moon controls the oceans for God's sake. The moon makes people get all froggy - ask anyone who works in an emergency room. The moon might be a factor in some women going into labor. The moon is like that "harmless" pitbull sleeping on the neighbor's porch - cute enough from afar, but mess with it, and the sucker's gonna knock you out. (Or eat your throat. Whichever.)

Mark my words. We are in serious trouble. The moon is pissed off. First we go up there and mess around on it, and bring some Tang and freeze-dried ice cream up there, which is just weird, and then we send up cameras and stuff, and now we shoot it with freakin rockets? Really?

Yes. Really.



*It might not have happened exactly this way. But probably.

6 comments:

Lisa said...

OMG, I had this same thought last night when I heard about this search for ice deal: so wrong it's not even funny. But you are funny, thanks for the laugh!

ImogenSky said...

THATS what I told my husband...I told him the moon controls the tides, what moronic male mind came up with that idea...SERIOUSLY! Leave the moon alone.

Momma Bear said...

Upon listening to this on NPR I thought, "holy crap, what the hell!" I love what you wrote lmao!

Donielle @ Naturally Knocked Up said...

I actually turned on the t.v. to watch it, thinking someone at NASA must be on something. Saw it and thought "yup, definitely on something". :-)

Jen said...

LOL! That was my take on it, too! There's probably some advanced robotic civilization that we disturbed that are all like "ok bitches! It's ON!"

And it's not just emergency rooms. It's high schools, too. Ask any teacher. ;-)

Stuff On My Blog said...

Say it with me scientists "Just because we CAN do something, does not mean we SHOULD do it!" ... Just think... these are the smartest minds of our time??? Can I say we're f*cked in comments? lol