tried to make me go to therapy, i said no, no, no....

... well, yesterday I sad yes. (Not yes, yes, yes, because that might make you think I really, really liked the support group, if you get my drift.)

So yesterday I went to the group. Let me tell you how badly I did not want to go. I was totally terrified of going to this thing. I thought the group would be made up of Alpha Mom types who sneak xanax with their soy protein shakes. I thought me and my hippie hair and filthy mouth and no-makeup and jiggly belly and hiking boots would never fit in.


Guess what. I fit in just fine. I felt so normal there, which might sound bad. It's not that they were so crazy that I looked normal in comparison. It's that I finally spent some time around people who are like me, which makes me feel a little normal.


It's kind of hard to believe, but last night was my first interaction with people outside my family in probably a year or more. I know, right? You're like damn Ninja Mom. You gots problems. Yeah. Yeah I do. So what.


Anyway I was really nervous to go, and I almost turned around a couple times. When I got there, I had a hard time at first, but bless the nurse's heart. She had everyone else go first, as far as introductions, and I was so glad, because by the time I had heard all the stories, I could breathe a sigh of relief. I wasn't some kind of freak.

I wouldn't say that the support group helped any as far as the whole postpartum uglies, but it was really nice to be in the company of other moms for awhile. I think I will probably go to the next meeting, in two weeks. I don't know. Depends how crazy I get between now and then.

Giveaway, perchance? Your comments are appreciated! :-)

So, here's what I'm thinking. I'm thinking that you guys are an awesome group of readers, and you should totally be rewarded for sticking with me even though I swear way too much and am obviously mentally ill. (But I'm working on it! Swearz!)

Anyway, I'm thinking about doing a giveaway. Now I can't give away something to everybody, because that would cost too much in shipping. I am not a rich ninja.

Here is my dilemma, and where I need your comments. What kind of thing should I put up for giveaway? I mean, are you interested in baby and kid stuff? Or like, tote bags and key chains? Or free advertising space? Something else, maybe? And don't say electronics, because, like I said. I'm not a rich ninja.

Let me know, k?

if i had a pet elephant, i would name it shuffles. that's right, you heard me.

You know what, I am a lazy fuck. I don't like to do anything, really, except for outdoorsy stuff like walking to foreign countries and making forts and going fishing and stuff. If a task requires me to move more than, oh, five feet from my current position, I complain, loudly. ("Come on, you mean you can't change your own diaper? You're four months old for Chrissakes!")

One thing I almost never do, unless I absolutely have to, is housework. I hate housework with a fiery passion. In fact, I hate housework almost as much as I love something else.

Thing is this. It's not just that I'm unabashedly lazy. Mainly it's that I just don't care. I mean, I'll run the vacuum around when the floor gets dirty, because I have babies who play on the floor. And I wash out the tub before each bath, and run the dishwasher. But, real cleaning? You mean you want me to like, dust the lampshades? Are you friggin serious?

One thing I just cannot do is mop. It's the mopwater. Every time I mop, I end up with long hairs wound in my fingers (because my floor has to be mopped by hand,) and the water is just gross. It's like, when you were a kid, and you would be using watercolors in kindergarten, and some schmuck always used up all the black, so you mixed all the watercolors together to get black, but it just turned into this nasty gray puke shit color? That's what mopwater reminds me of, only with chunks of dried up peaches and bits of lint and what looks like half of my cat and long blonde hairs, because I shed more than my cat does. And all of that just makes me gag. I can't see it, I can't smell it, I can't even think about without dry heaving.

And here is where I introduce you to my new favorite invention:

Shuffles.

This is right up my alley. I would use these every day. You get clean floors, kind of, but check it out. You would have thighs of freaking steel if you used these. And did you see the whole video? Toward the end, they say you can get these tub shuffles free with your order. TUB SHUFFLES!! You just strap them on and lay on your back in your bathtub and rub your feet all over everything. No water, though. They only work if you lay in there dry, with your bathrobe on.

But there's no way I'm forking over fifteen bucks for Shuffles (plus postage and handling.) You could just make these at home. All you need are two sponges and some duct tape, and away you go. If you get Shuffles, what you should do is first put on "I Would Do Anything for Love," by Meatloaf, and halfway through your kitchen, be sure to do a triple lutz. If you can't do a triple lutz, fake it. You aren't figure skating, after all. Just "cleaning" your linoleum.

And also, if you were to give me a pet elephant, I would name it Shuffles. Maybe strap some sponges to it too. Gotta earn your keep, elephant.

Year in Review Meme

So, I already did a Year in review, Ninja Mom style, but since I'm not finished with the posts I had planned, I figured I'd go ahead and do this one too. Feel free to C&P and post on your blog - after all, that's what Memes are for! - but don't forget to link back. I got this from Secret Mom Thoughts.

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?
Gave birth to a little boy.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't do New Year's resolutions, because I always break them a couple hours after I make them. One year I wanted to lose weight, so I thought I would be anorexic, and it worked out really good for about three hours, and then I got hungry and ate a whole bag of Lay's potato chips. Lesson: I suck at being anorexic.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Me! And my two closest friends - Amber's third child, a baby boy, is 11 days younger than The Babe, and Shawna had her second daughter in November.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Nope.

5. What countries did you visit?
Just here.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
Hm. An empty womb? Yeah, I'll vote for the empty womb.

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
September 4th - The Babe's birthday. Probably the most amazing day of my life. My girls' births were wonderful, but they were your stereotypical hospital births - ass out in the open, ankles in stirrups, and four hundred people screaming "PUSH!" The Babe's birth was nothing like that, and it was incredible.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Having the Babe, and figuring out how to take care of a 7 year old, 4 year old, 13 month old and a newborn. If I can do this, I can do anything at all.

9. What was your biggest failure?
I don't think I had any real big failures. I did put my foot in my mouth a few times. Okay maybe more than a few times, but it's okay, I'm used to it.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Well, PPD comes to mind, but I haven't told you all the story about the blood clots. It's a long, boring story, but basically, they thought I had blood clots in my lungs, and I was so lucky! I got to have a shot in the belly twice a day! It was great! After a couple weeks and a bunch of potentially harmful tests, it turned out I didn't have blood clots at all! Gotta love pumping my unborn child full of drugs and radiation for no reason at all. Stupid doctors.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
The Babe's carseat, because it was marked down, like, a lot.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Unh. I don't know, really. I can't think of anyone particularly stellar.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
You know what, it seems like something did happen that would totally piss me off, but I can't remember.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Bills.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Finding out that we were having a boy, and then having him!

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
Chicken Fried by The Zac Brown Band.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Eh. About the same.
b) thinner or fatter? Quite a bit thinner, and still losing.
c) richer or poorer? About the same.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Quality time with the kids.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Meh. I don't know.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
Opened presents, went to my mom's. You know, the usual.

21. Did you fall in love in 2008?
Yes. :)

22. What was your favorite TV program?
Best of The Joy of Painting with Bob Ross. Oh man do I love Bob Ross. I even imagined him painting when I was in labor. That's how I dealt with contractions - imagining Bob Ross painting trees and mountains.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
I don't think so. I don't really hate anyone.

24. What was the best book you read?
Shit I don't know. Probably the Foxfire Book.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Um.....

26. What did you want and get?
A laptop.

27. What did you want and not get?
Some peace and quiet!

28. What was your favorite film of this year?
Horton Hears a Who. This is the deepest movie I've ever seen. I mean, Horton is kind of like God, and the speck- Whoville- is kind of like us people. Also, it makes me think, you know what, we are all just tiny specks in the universe. Horton Hears a Who is a seriously deep movie.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I doubt I did anything. I mean if I did, it wasn't anything memorable. I turned 26.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I have no idea.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Daniel Boone on acid.

32. What kept you sane?
Not much...

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Barack Obama, for sure.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
The presidential election, and my intense dislike for Sarah Palin.

35. Who did you miss?
No one really.

36. Who was the best new person you met?
The Babe. :)

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
If life gives you a dilemma, make dilemma-nade. Ha!

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
"...you can speak your mind
But not on my time
I don't care what you say anymore, this is my life
Go ahead with your own life, and leave me alone."
-Billy Joel, "My Life"

Oh yeah, that sums it up. (It doesn't actually, I just like to pretend I'm a bad-ass who pushes people away.)

Oh... and check it out- this is blog post 101. I am going to do my hundredth post thingy on post 105, because 4 of my posts were guest posts, and they don't count as mine.

How to Cure Ninja Mom's Depression

First, I want to thank all of you that commented and emailed. It really means a lot to me. I was a little scared to post that... I mean, depression is so cliche, and who wants to read the blah blah ramblings of a mentally ill mother? (Apparently you all, because I had mad hits yesterday.)
Weaning the baby isn't possible right now, for myriad reasons, but mostly because he has mild swallowing issues that make bottlefeeding practically mpossible. Four had these issues too, except much worse, and suffered with Failure To Thrive (FTT.) The thought of switching to bottles scares me to death, because I know The Babe would end up with FTT, too.

I am feeling better today, so much better, in fact, that I've drawn up a game plan. This is a list of things I need to do to get better, in no particular order.

1. Start going to the postpartum depression support group at the hospital where The Babe was delivered.

2. Start going to yoga class, or if I can't afford it, get some yoga DVD's to do at home. (More strenuous exercise really aggravates my migraines.)

3. Try changing my diet, eliminating sweets and junk food. Okay maybe not just yet.

I swear to God there was a fourth.... oh well. Whatever.

So I am going to do these three things, and give it a really good effort for a month. Maybe six weeks. If I feel no better at all, I will try something different. Counseling, maybe, and looking into a med change. Tuesday's the day for the PPD support group, and I'm a little worried about it, because I have become so antisocial that I can barely function at the grocery store, let alone in a support group full of strangers. We'll see though.

And in the meantime I have another issue weighing on my mind, but I will write a separate post on that tonight.

Thanks again, Blogland. You guys are pretty cool. :-)

Ninja Mom's longest, most boringest blog post ever. Plus ADD.

This is how a puddle like me rings in the new year...

So, I haven't much been myself lately. I don't really know why. My doctor said all my test results were great, my blood pressure was perfect, my thyroid was functioning a-ok, I don't have diabeetis, and I'm pretty sure I don't have malaria, tuberculosis, scarlet fever, bruxism, or cholera.

Still, things aren't right with me, and I can tell, and I think everyone else can tell too. To be honest, I am practically non-functioning, and despite the fact that he's grating on my last nerve, I am grateful indeed for The Hub's extended layoff. Without it, I'm not sure what the kids would be doing. Probably laying in my bed in soiled diapers, waiting for me to get up, while the older ones try to scrounge up some food. The thought of it beings tears to my eyes, and not in a sentimental way.


My body feels terrible, like when you forget to eat for a day or three and end up feeling weak. (And also, I keep forgetting to eat, for a day or three or more.) But even when I'm not absentmindedly fasting, I feel this overwhelming exhaustion. My limbs feel rubbery and I have a hard time making a fist, like when you first wake up in the morning. I just want to lie on the couch all day long. Actually, I would rather lie in bed, but the tv in the bedroom doesn't have digital cable, just regular cable, and I like to watch BBC America, which is only on digital. (Like you care, but guess what, I'm telling you anyway.)

My mind is foggy. No motivation. No emotion. It's like I went to sleep and left a robot in charge over here, or maybe aliens came and turned my brain into oatmeal. No, not oatmeal; oatmeal has character. Either there's a robot manning the ship, or aliens turned my brain into Cream of Wheat. Or, ew, Maypo. Gross. And it's in my brain.

Then I found a book, and kind of read it, in my ADD way (more on that in a bit.) The book is called The Ghost in the House: Motherhood, Raising Children, and Struggling with Depression, and it's a total must-read for moms like me, who are generally pessimistic, sometimes yell at their kids, get mad at the dog and call him a fat asswipe, and throw the occasional wall kicking hissy-fit over the fact that all your socks are dingy.

If a person can self-diagnose serious illnesses through books and websites (and believe me, a person can,) then guess what, I have depression.

And guess what else: I've had it for the better part of fourteen years. No wonder my life has sucked so bad! Hello! Lightbulb!

Now the problem is, I'm too depressed to care about being depressed.

And I have a mountain of things to do, which seems to exacerbate the depression, which then makes me not care about getting the things done, which makes me feel depressed. It's a vicious cycle.

On my enormous to-do list is one very important thing, which is to empty my cupboards, give all the food to a food pantry, and start from scratch, because I strongly suspect that Four has ADD or ODD, or both, but that is another post that I haven't had the energy to write (there's that Maypo brain again.) Before I pump my preschooler full of potentially harmful medication, I want to try using diet and homeopathic remedies first. I'm open to medication, but only after I exhaust all other avenues.

This is where we get to the "Ninja Mom probably has ADD due to, most likely, the time she crashed her Radio Flyer (and her cranium) into the back of the garage."

I implemented my most favorite tool of the new millennium, Google, to find out exactly how to use diet to help ADD. And you know how when you have ADD, and you are doing something online, but you end up clicking on something else, which brings you somewhere else, which brings you to another place entirely, and before you know it you're looking at videos of baby panda bears? Yeah, that sort of happened.

I ended up at this website, and I can't cite it right now because, duh! ADD, but it was a site run by like, doctors and stuff. Real people, I mean. Not fifteen year old kids making up myspace quizzes during Geography class. It was a source you can trust, because a) it does not try to sell you anything and b) it tells you to go get some help from a real person instead of sitting on your fat ass taking a quiz about ADD. Sort of.

Anyway, long story longer, this test says I probably have ADD. And, it says I have five of the six different types of ADD: Classic, Overfocused, Temporal Lobe, Limbic, and Ring of Fire. (To which I said, no way my childbirthin' vagina has ADD, because hoo boy, that part of me has never been more focused in it's life.) Probably what it means to have five of the six ADD subtypes is you are either a sociopathic criminal type (which I'm not) or you screwed up the test (which I could have) or you're just a friggen anomaly, which I doubt because I'm not cool enough for a psychiatry journal.

What is interesting, and this is the point I am trying to make, through this novella of a blog post, is that almost all of these 5 ADD subtypes share a very common thread with certain types of depression, and that is dopamine and norepinephrine. There just isn't enough of either chemical, and when a person with these, ahem, issues, is put on a norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor, like Cymbalta, or it's cousin Wellbutrin, they feel better. A little, anyway.

I think it's pretty obvious that the Wellbutrin is, as of now, most definitely not cutting it. Cymbalta works for me, but I'm not comfortable taking it while breastfeeding. So I feel like I'm walking in circles, alternating between not giving a crap about anything at all, and feeling very strongly that something's gotta give. Right now, I feel like I need to find a doctor, stat. (Haha, see my little doctor pun there... get it, doctor, stat... never mind.) I just don't know where to look. Therapy is not a real good option for me, mostly because there is a huge portion of me - probably 99% - that I absolutely cannot open up to anyone, not even The Hub, not even my friends, not even you, dear readers. When I go to therapy, I lie, because I don't want anyone to know that I am absolutely falling to pieces on the inside. And if you are going to lie to your therapist, well that's kind of like cheating at Solitaire, which I might have been known to do on occasion too.

So hopefully I won't be treating you all to the chronicles of my demise. Hopefully I can find something, even just a speck of something, that will help pull me out, put my mind back to normal. I guess what I'm afraid of is that I have no idea what normal is. The crazy is my normal, and to be honest, I don't know any different. I cannot imagine a life without the shackles of misery, self-loathing, and poor impulse control. It's as unfathomable to me as the breadth of the ocean. I have absolutely no clue what to expect. I am scared - no, terrified - of losing myself. But then, I have no idea who "myself" really is, and the self that I know is a worthless piece of crap, so what could be the harm in losing it?

I only hope that whatever helps me doesn't also make me not want to walk places and build log cabins and make forts and check out abandoned buildings. Because I really like doing that stuff.